futility

i have the lights on brightly, my son in his high chair right in the doorway of the kitchen where he can watch everything. a turkey-bolognese sauce bubbling on the back burner, fusilli-with-flax and multi-grain alphabet pasta boiling under frothy white surfaces in their respective pans on the front burners. i have "the best of cat stevens" thrumming and soaring from the living room CD player. upbeat, hopeful, "moonshadow", then "peace train". i sing the songs using a pastry brush as a microphone, dancing in the tiny kitchen making smiles and giggles blossom on musa's dear little face. i start to sway side to side with him as he "dances" in the high chair.

how many ways are there to chase off loneliness?

...

later: and why does it hurt so to watch musa tonight, as he slides off my lap after nursing, watching his reflection in the dark window, squatting down to play with his drum, looking at the window again and smiling? why is it so melancholy to realize his world is so small, this is it - me, the living room - and he does not feel the loneliness of it, only the comfort and security?
oh lordy, he's started throwing things...

beauty and the beast

not really, but you remember that scene in the disney movie where the beast takes belle into the library and uncovers her eyes, and the "camera" pans over this fantastic, towering room lined on every wall with thousands of books, up to the ceiling, and these gorgeous full-wall windows just pouring sunlight onto everything?

okay, so the howard county public library system isn't quite like that. but it feels that way, prowling through the stacks and knowing i can pick up any book i like, as many as i like... it's treasure, gold, delicious, anticipation!

i went yesterday, and last night finished the first of the books: kim edwards' the memory keeper's daughter. read the first few chapters very closely, as it had to do with labor and delivery, moments still very close in my own memory, and i read or listen to anyone's experience this way: remembering my own, comparing. and the rest of the book opened further into experiences i cannot yet compare: the children as they grow, up and away and apart, and it all made me think (between lines, between pages) of what i may have already done to cement musa's memories of his childhood in a certain light, or what i may do unwittingly in the future, for him to look back and reflect and say, man, i wish things had been different... but that was my childhood and this is my life and this is who i am now...
one thing (of many things) edwards does so beautifully is to paint so clear a picture of the wall that rises in her characters' family, the secret that they grow up around without even knowing it, like trees twisting around a stone, she writes somewhere. ... it's very satisfying to read a novel that carries you through decades of the characters' lives, so you see how things begin and how things end, but i wonder how it is written... i wonder how difficult it is to write about someone in their 40s, 50s, 60s, without having been there oneself?

anyway. very excited about the rest of the books in my bag:

Snow by Orhan Pamuk
The Shipping News by Annie Proulx (one of my favorite movies, never read the book)
Maps for Lost Lovers by Nadeem Aslam
1916 by Morgan Llywellyn
The Optimists by Andrew Miller
Banker to the Poor: Micro-Lending Against Poverty by Muhammad Yunus
Winning the Race: Beyond the Crisis in Black America by John McWhorter

lots to keep me busy and away from the TV!!
laptop battery is dying, so i must go...

muslim country music singer!

impressive voice mashallah! i might just get this CD. soo nice to see an example of a muslim with real talent following his heart like this, and producing something that can reach out to people...

success!

i have successfully left musa for seven and a half hours with his daddy! and he was sick too. actually we're all sick :(.
anyway i had to shoot a wedding last night. and i am beat, in the truest sense of the word: i feel like my shoulders and my lower back have been battered, and the tendons in my left forearm are aching, my wrist and fingers even. that is how out-of-shape i am... just using a flash frame (for the first time), holding it up constantly, and firmly enough to shift the camera sideways and back again within the frame, has wrecked my arm.
i'm looking at the pics now, to see how they've come out... very nerve-wracking, the whole thing. brides are already stressed out, by events and their dreams for their wedding, and by family members, that having a photographer with unreliable equipment is almost unforgivable. and my equipment was being very unreliable last night! but, that's the fun of having a 6 GB memory card - at least i had room to play, and the fun of digital - at least i know i did get some really good shots, alhamdulillah. and thank God for photoshop!

but my musa was sick, and last night i didn't sleep very well either... waking up for coughing fits and then finding it hard to go back to sleep. musa did cough in the night, but at least it didn't wake him up. still sleeping right now this morning...

100th post

vah vah!!
so musa is 14 months old, 14 months and 3 days to be exact. hubby just took him to drop him off at MIL's for the evening, because i have not been feeling well (sore throat for two days, threw up last night, coughing today, weakness, etc) so he said i should have a break.
but everything in me rebels against such a break... it was such a difficult journey to get to the point where musa WAS my entire life, and now - to have a whole evening, even if it's just 2.5 hours, to myself... i don't even know what to do! (so, i blog). well, i have plenty of options: cleaning (there's a mess on every floor), halaqa (short, 7-8:30), writing (i have this book in my head that i'm afraid to write out because i think when i stop and read it back it's going to seem inordinately stupid), watching TV (a definite no...).. or just forget it all and lie down and read since i am not feeling well to begin with. all of this of course worrying about musa the whole time... it is nervewracking leaving a breastfeeding-only baby anywhere for any length of time!! but i have to this friday (mehndi clients at the salon to decorate, that will be at least three hours) and sunday again (at least 5.5 hours, likely 6, for a wedding i'm photographing). so i figured it was best to give musa a head-start with some practice beforehand.

people are sooo taken aback when they hear how much musa is still nursing (3-4 times a day, at least, plus 3-5 times a night, though the night nursing is more just comfort to go back to sleep, he doesn't get much nutrition out of it). i think i need to find some other people to talk to... it's going to be like this pretty much until i start weaning him, and i have no reason to start weaning now (and i'm not planning on ferberizing). i'm sure i will have better perspective with the next baby inshallah but right now i can only read books, take advice and go with my gut...

anyway. so, i'm thinking, if i actually stop blogging now, i could do a little cleaning (maybe part of one floor?) then go to the halaqa, come back and still have time to write a little bit? that sounds so exhausting... well, i'll figure it out.

o, the house is so quiet and i'm so alone...
not a sound can be discerned, not even a phone;
just the hum of computers; a sneeze from next door;
and the sound of my own thoughts, which i can't ignore:


o, he's all by himself, and without me he'll cry!
and o, why did i let him go, please tell me why?
well, because, my mind answers me, someday you must,
and it's no bad thing leaving him with one you trust.

so let go with your hands and hold on with your heart,
and then all will be fine, even when you're apart!


hahaha. see this is why i don't write poems regularly. they're more ditties than poems, really... more about the rhyme than saying anything important. if koonj wrote about the same thing, it would be some searing, wrenching free verse that touches even people who don't have kids. but hey... maybe i can write a kids' book or something? :)

okay well i'm running out of time to make any decisions so off i go... meanwhile, want a picture? a non musa pic. here is a shot of a flower i took in may with my macro lens...



update:
so, i didn't do much cleaning - just picked up musa's toys, and put away some laundry and am washing some more now - tested out my lights for the formal portraits i'm shooting at the wedding sunday, they are a go - skipped the halaqa.
more importantly - musa was fine alhamdulillah, he went to sleep maybe 45 minutes ago and hubby is on his way to pick him up now, so they should be home by 10ish. so glad. this is the problem with early breastfeeding motherhood... nothing is ever quite alright until baby is in your arms, nursing and fully comforted. how am i going to get past this? argh...