nighttime...
...is when all these aches pour out of me. my eyes are as wide open now as they were at midnight when i was putting musa to bed. i couldn't sleep, lay there for an hour or so, then figured i might as well finish reading eldest since i couldn't sleep, so i finished that about forty minutes ago, while i was nursing musa to sleep again after he woke up for the first time. i could have gotten a good two and a half hours sleep if i had been able to sleep when he was sleeping.
but i can't! my head aches, my eyes are hot. here i am, in tears in the quietest hours. i feel so lonely at night. all my uncharitable thoughts, all my demons, all my ghost suspicions, chase me and swarm me. i read my ayat-ul-kursi, three quls, for my little baby to sleep peacefully. maybe i should have read a separate set for myself? i don't know, i don't know. i don't know what's real or what these swirling night thoughts have just suggested to me, like whispering devils. in the morning i shrug it off and in the day i can't even imagine it all. but i can't tell you how many times, when i am lying awake, staring at the odd shadow pattern on the ceiling formed by the crib bars and the plush mobile silhouetted in the pale blue of the nightlight - i've composed so many wandering, pleading, weeping blogs in my head that i am convinced i will type up in the day, but the shadows fade with the light and then i have to take care of musa anyway...
so this time i decided to get out of bed and come downstairs and blog it out. maybe the screen will take the words out of my head so that i can sleep in peace. i'm just sick of being the person who just sits there being defined (in so many ways!). i wish i had some guts, i wish i had some wisdom! but i just carry out these battles in my head - at night, when i ought to be sleeping - and then forget about them in the day, maybe it'll all go away, maybe it'll get better.
i know none of this makes sense, but i have to write it down. otherwise i keep swallowing this sadness trying to push down the lump in my throat. and sniffling, which is not good because if it's too loud it'll wake musa and that's the last thing i want to do... why can't i stop my mind? why am i so open to this idiocy?
but i can't! my head aches, my eyes are hot. here i am, in tears in the quietest hours. i feel so lonely at night. all my uncharitable thoughts, all my demons, all my ghost suspicions, chase me and swarm me. i read my ayat-ul-kursi, three quls, for my little baby to sleep peacefully. maybe i should have read a separate set for myself? i don't know, i don't know. i don't know what's real or what these swirling night thoughts have just suggested to me, like whispering devils. in the morning i shrug it off and in the day i can't even imagine it all. but i can't tell you how many times, when i am lying awake, staring at the odd shadow pattern on the ceiling formed by the crib bars and the plush mobile silhouetted in the pale blue of the nightlight - i've composed so many wandering, pleading, weeping blogs in my head that i am convinced i will type up in the day, but the shadows fade with the light and then i have to take care of musa anyway...
so this time i decided to get out of bed and come downstairs and blog it out. maybe the screen will take the words out of my head so that i can sleep in peace. i'm just sick of being the person who just sits there being defined (in so many ways!). i wish i had some guts, i wish i had some wisdom! but i just carry out these battles in my head - at night, when i ought to be sleeping - and then forget about them in the day, maybe it'll all go away, maybe it'll get better.
i know none of this makes sense, but i have to write it down. otherwise i keep swallowing this sadness trying to push down the lump in my throat. and sniffling, which is not good because if it's too loud it'll wake musa and that's the last thing i want to do... why can't i stop my mind? why am i so open to this idiocy?
posted by Ayesha | 3:37 AM
5 Comments:
Beautifully written. At least you had the guts to write how you feel, most of the time I don't. You are a role model for people you don't even know. I promise.
i dunno cuz, my ghosts remain eerily concrete day & night, and i fight them and as a result ... well, you know. all i can say is - you had a companion in sleeplessness & tears last night, and maybe thats why we were afflicted together? after all, we had babies almost the same day so maybe it's fitting our monsters find us together.
oh, and guess who's the LEAST uncharitable person i know? yes, my cousin, thats who.
this is a rough time. jalali attributes maybe.
see, cuz, it's because i keep all my uncharitable thoughts to myself that you think that :) maybe that's why they haunt me in the lonely hours.
nermeen, thank you for the sweet words! i don't know about role model, though. maybe the person i used to be, but i'm not much of that now...
Salaam,
I often find that my demons get bigger the less I speak of them.
Maybe writing about them is a good idea?
On the other hand you could find a zit popper.
Some people love to lance/pop zits and they're usually equally good at slaying the demons in our hearts and minds when we speak to them. :)
Warmly,
Baraka
baraka... lol :) the only problem is, after i stopped breaking out in my second trimester of pregnancy, i haven't really gotten any more zits. but i had broken out really bad in the months before i got pregnant, and in my first trimester. all i have now is lots of scars.
hmm... :S
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