100th post
vah vah!!
so musa is 14 months old, 14 months and 3 days to be exact. hubby just took him to drop him off at MIL's for the evening, because i have not been feeling well (sore throat for two days, threw up last night, coughing today, weakness, etc) so he said i should have a break.
but everything in me rebels against such a break... it was such a difficult journey to get to the point where musa WAS my entire life, and now - to have a whole evening, even if it's just 2.5 hours, to myself... i don't even know what to do! (so, i blog). well, i have plenty of options: cleaning (there's a mess on every floor), halaqa (short, 7-8:30), writing (i have this book in my head that i'm afraid to write out because i think when i stop and read it back it's going to seem inordinately stupid), watching TV (a definite no...).. or just forget it all and lie down and read since i am not feeling well to begin with. all of this of course worrying about musa the whole time... it is nervewracking leaving a breastfeeding-only baby anywhere for any length of time!! but i have to this friday (mehndi clients at the salon to decorate, that will be at least three hours) and sunday again (at least 5.5 hours, likely 6, for a wedding i'm photographing). so i figured it was best to give musa a head-start with some practice beforehand.
people are sooo taken aback when they hear how much musa is still nursing (3-4 times a day, at least, plus 3-5 times a night, though the night nursing is more just comfort to go back to sleep, he doesn't get much nutrition out of it). i think i need to find some other people to talk to... it's going to be like this pretty much until i start weaning him, and i have no reason to start weaning now (and i'm not planning on ferberizing). i'm sure i will have better perspective with the next baby inshallah but right now i can only read books, take advice and go with my gut...
anyway. so, i'm thinking, if i actually stop blogging now, i could do a little cleaning (maybe part of one floor?) then go to the halaqa, come back and still have time to write a little bit? that sounds so exhausting... well, i'll figure it out.
o, the house is so quiet and i'm so alone...
not a sound can be discerned, not even a phone;
just the hum of computers; a sneeze from next door;
and the sound of my own thoughts, which i can't ignore:
o, he's all by himself, and without me he'll cry!
and o, why did i let him go, please tell me why?
well, because, my mind answers me, someday you must,
and it's no bad thing leaving him with one you trust.
so let go with your hands and hold on with your heart,
and then all will be fine, even when you're apart!
hahaha. see this is why i don't write poems regularly. they're more ditties than poems, really... more about the rhyme than saying anything important. if koonj wrote about the same thing, it would be some searing, wrenching free verse that touches even people who don't have kids. but hey... maybe i can write a kids' book or something? :)
okay well i'm running out of time to make any decisions so off i go... meanwhile, want a picture? a non musa pic. here is a shot of a flower i took in may with my macro lens...
update:
so, i didn't do much cleaning - just picked up musa's toys, and put away some laundry and am washing some more now - tested out my lights for the formal portraits i'm shooting at the wedding sunday, they are a go - skipped the halaqa.
more importantly - musa was fine alhamdulillah, he went to sleep maybe 45 minutes ago and hubby is on his way to pick him up now, so they should be home by 10ish. so glad. this is the problem with early breastfeeding motherhood... nothing is ever quite alright until baby is in your arms, nursing and fully comforted. how am i going to get past this? argh...
so musa is 14 months old, 14 months and 3 days to be exact. hubby just took him to drop him off at MIL's for the evening, because i have not been feeling well (sore throat for two days, threw up last night, coughing today, weakness, etc) so he said i should have a break.
but everything in me rebels against such a break... it was such a difficult journey to get to the point where musa WAS my entire life, and now - to have a whole evening, even if it's just 2.5 hours, to myself... i don't even know what to do! (so, i blog). well, i have plenty of options: cleaning (there's a mess on every floor), halaqa (short, 7-8:30), writing (i have this book in my head that i'm afraid to write out because i think when i stop and read it back it's going to seem inordinately stupid), watching TV (a definite no...).. or just forget it all and lie down and read since i am not feeling well to begin with. all of this of course worrying about musa the whole time... it is nervewracking leaving a breastfeeding-only baby anywhere for any length of time!! but i have to this friday (mehndi clients at the salon to decorate, that will be at least three hours) and sunday again (at least 5.5 hours, likely 6, for a wedding i'm photographing). so i figured it was best to give musa a head-start with some practice beforehand.
people are sooo taken aback when they hear how much musa is still nursing (3-4 times a day, at least, plus 3-5 times a night, though the night nursing is more just comfort to go back to sleep, he doesn't get much nutrition out of it). i think i need to find some other people to talk to... it's going to be like this pretty much until i start weaning him, and i have no reason to start weaning now (and i'm not planning on ferberizing). i'm sure i will have better perspective with the next baby inshallah but right now i can only read books, take advice and go with my gut...
anyway. so, i'm thinking, if i actually stop blogging now, i could do a little cleaning (maybe part of one floor?) then go to the halaqa, come back and still have time to write a little bit? that sounds so exhausting... well, i'll figure it out.
o, the house is so quiet and i'm so alone...
not a sound can be discerned, not even a phone;
just the hum of computers; a sneeze from next door;
and the sound of my own thoughts, which i can't ignore:
o, he's all by himself, and without me he'll cry!
and o, why did i let him go, please tell me why?
well, because, my mind answers me, someday you must,
and it's no bad thing leaving him with one you trust.
so let go with your hands and hold on with your heart,
and then all will be fine, even when you're apart!
hahaha. see this is why i don't write poems regularly. they're more ditties than poems, really... more about the rhyme than saying anything important. if koonj wrote about the same thing, it would be some searing, wrenching free verse that touches even people who don't have kids. but hey... maybe i can write a kids' book or something? :)
okay well i'm running out of time to make any decisions so off i go... meanwhile, want a picture? a non musa pic. here is a shot of a flower i took in may with my macro lens...
update:
so, i didn't do much cleaning - just picked up musa's toys, and put away some laundry and am washing some more now - tested out my lights for the formal portraits i'm shooting at the wedding sunday, they are a go - skipped the halaqa.
more importantly - musa was fine alhamdulillah, he went to sleep maybe 45 minutes ago and hubby is on his way to pick him up now, so they should be home by 10ish. so glad. this is the problem with early breastfeeding motherhood... nothing is ever quite alright until baby is in your arms, nursing and fully comforted. how am i going to get past this? argh...
posted by Ayesha | 6:14 PM
8 Comments:
I wish I had some insight for you, since I have the 2 munchkins, but as we know, Safah was stubborn after her time in the NICU---nothing but bottles of breastmilk for her, and Deen(since he was also introduced to the bottle because of an extended hospital stay) made the choice to wean himself at 3 months. I don't think he was getting all that he needed in the beginning. Even with me pumping to increase my biojuice and taking Fenugreek. He just wasn't into it.
But back to the point, which is, I think that you have to do what your gut tells you like you said. I think in today's society, we are pushed to use a bottle for convience---though what is more convienent than a take along meal? Whose to say that 30 years ago, babies were not breastfeed until 18 months or 24 months. Or until they wanted to stop, as was natural to them. Our society is time crunched, and the effects are felt everywhere! Ok that is my rant for today. Oops this is my second rant...lol!
Hope you feel better soon! Do write that book, Aysha. And nursing ... well, whatever Musa likes :)
oh, and congrats on the 100th post!
Yes baitee go with your 'guts'
Seeing a 'rythm line' made my eyes wet a bit. (You know I love you)How long since you wrote it. O! I understand your preoccupations, but since we (You, in Eng, and I, in Urdu) are not exactly 'Iqbal' or Koonj, I suggest we should indulge in rhyming words to "please ourselves" primarily. So it is OK to write what comes. That is why I call myself 'irregular'sha-ir'.
Noor's response is good and you all youngsters come out with such expressions which are very amusing and so meaningful but she is way off in one thing. Nursing 30 years ago? No way it has to be more than half a century. Actually II WW had devastating effects on the Western human biology and life. (and prhaps East was also affected as much)
Salamaat,
Don't listen to anyone...i nursed Sufyan well past 20 months and had to stop only for pregnancy and had also gotten sick.
When we finally stopped (and although it was abrupt) he was totally fine with it. Even nonchallant. I am the one who had a really hard time. At 14 months he was nursing a whole lot too, but that's okay.
He is really healthy mashaallah and that bond we had was indescribable. I am glad I did it (for that long) and plan to do it again this time around God willing.
Also I think it's an illusion we have that no many people nurse, I have met/known a lot of people who do nurse and take it seriously. I guess it's who you surround yourself with?
Well anyway, you are the mommy and you know Musa best...when the time comes it will be easy for him to detach (i can't say the same for you :) )
ah well...I hope you did try to at least get some rest?
salaams! thank you all for your comments. i did get rest maliha, but then the next night (last night) musa got sick too! with a fever. so he's on tylenol, my throat is still hurting, and i am babysitting my nephew right now too. so far so good!
nura, i agree! and suroor - whatever musa likes... that's right! abboo - i think i'll take your advice; i still really enjoy writing rhymes, even if it isn't "real poetry". so i'll just write it anyway inshallah!
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