jealousy, sort of

i have been checking nermeen's blog for a few days now for updates on her travels in namibia, and found my way to aisha's blog where i read about her experiences in rio... felt the old familiar twinge upon hearing of other pakistani muslim women like me who have the opportunity to travel like this... but it's not as strong now, not sure why. content where i am? but am i stagnating?
one of my best friends visited me a few weeks ago from out of town, and called a few days later to let me know she was worried about me, that i didn't seem myself, i was sort of subdued. i felt that... i felt i couldn't match her ebullience the way we used to flow together. but it's changing, too... if i characterize it in terms of love expressed, well, i've loved musa of course since the moment i knew i was pregnant, if not before - but now, now it's like a river, i can't kiss him enough, and every day i mourn a little that he is growing up even as i am excited to see who he will be. i know what cousin koonj means when she says raihana "cuts through my jaded cynicism, my tired lack of expectation, my years of disappointment." except i think i have been waiting to be awoken like this... is it unfair, to allow Baby to be the one to awaken us? too much of a burden? is it in our control at all?
and then again, the second i begin to imagine i feel my heart (or is it my soul) opening up again, i wonder if i'm thinking too soon...

ps, i didn't mean for this blog to be "personal"... more about my interaction with the world... but, i'm still not interacting... argh!